With WWE’s Summerslam pay-per-view just around the corner, but the mystique of the ‘biggest party of the summer’ somewhat ruined by the lack of a capacity crowd being allowed in arenas, now is as good a time as ever to get creative.
has already predicted the outcomes of a football-inspired WrestleMania, so why not celebrate the biggest party of the summer by putting together football’s very own Summerslam? Get your fantasy booking hats on wrestling fans, this is the ultimate professional wrestling-inspired football pay-per-view mega show.
*DISCLAIMER – All teams must enter the field of play with designated entrance theme music and pyrotechnics.*
WrestleMania has its very own ‘Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale’ so our Summerslam card is getting one too. Grant Holt isn’t dead, but deserves some sporting recognition for retiring as a footballer, becoming a pro wrestler and then retiring again before anyone really noticed…
In this contest, one player from each of the following teams will enter a coned off area on the pitch. One ball will be in the zone and the person who scores the most nutmegs after 10 minutes will be crowned champion, earning a prestigious trophy of the great Grant Holt himself.
Participants: Neymar (PSG), Adel Taarabt (Benfica), Said Benrahma (Brentford), Yannick Bolasie (Sporting), Wilfried Zaha (Crystal Palace), Wayne Rooney (Derby County), Cristiano Ronaldo (Juventus), Lionel Messi (Barcelona), Paul Pogba (Man Utd)
Bonus Entry: Hulk Hogan (Because, why not…?)
Outcome: Rooney takes an early lead after rewatching all episodes of ‘Wayne Rooney’s Street Striker’, but Lionel Messi storms ahead shortly after. Bolasie pulls out his trademark flick on everyone but scores no points, and Cristiano Ronaldo leaves after he learns no penalties are to be awarded. Messi wins. Hulk Hogan spends the contest ripping his shirt up and shouting at people brother.
Holla holla playa playa…
In true Teddy Long fashion, rival sides must put their differences aside in this contest as they’ll team up in a tag team match. Each team will consist of a blend of both teams put together, with both managers having to work together on the touchline.
Real Madrid will be pulling double duty on the card (more on this later), so it’s up to Barcelona to do the heavy lifting in this pre-show match.
Outcome: Madrid only put forward second string and youth players to the cause, meaning Barca have to do the dirty work. Spurs and Arsenal do Spurs and Arsenal things, however, and make it easy for the two Spanish giants to pick up a comfortable 5-1 victory.
The opening contests of the best wrestling pay-per-views are usually high octane, high pace and exciting. This sets the tone for the night, so two of the best attacking teams on the planet go head to head in a contest to get the crowd right on the edge of their seats early on.
Liverpool will no doubt be the de-facto heel, entering the field of play with the Premier League trophy as if it’s the Undertaker’s urn.
Winner gets a future match against the winner of the main event.
Outcome: Liverpool struggle to deal with Leipzig’s initial discipline and go a goal down after some exciting vertical play from Die Roten Bullen. They equalise straight after, catching their opponents off guard. In the second half, it becomes an attacking free-for-all with neither side able to defend.
Liverpool sneak a cheeky 7-5 win.
To keep the crowd hot after a fast paced opener, the show has to ramp up again in the second game.
Introducing some eastern European football, the Eternal Derby – Partizan vs Red Star. The Eternal Derby is one of the fiercest rivalries in football, and transcends the action on the pitch. In this one, substitutes and coaches will all sit on steel chairs, which will be allowed onto the field of play.
Flares and smoke bombs also mandatory for the crowd in attendance.
Outcome: Red Star jump Partizan during their entrance and the referee starts the game despite Partizan not being able to actually play. Red Star take a 2-0 lead, but Partizan recover to stop a first half thumping.
The two teams don’t emerge from the dressing rooms for the second half, as an Attitude Era-esque backstage brawl breaks out for the next 20 minutes. No contest.
The first two matches will kick off the show in style, but, naturally, the crowd will be zapped of energy by this point.
In order to avoid any of the big bouts suffering from a tired audience, a comedy squash match is necessary. Juventus and Notts County have history; Juve adopted the black and white stripes in 1903 after they were gifted kits by Notts County, creating the perfect storyline.
Outcome: Notts County’s manager comes out and cuts a heel promo on Juventus and runs them down for being a bad football team, before La Vecchia Signora take to the field. The game kicks off, Juve win with ease, the crowd are rested and happy.
This one is an instant classic. Perhaps not quite Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 25 levels, but one to remember nevertheless.
Manchester United and Real Madrid. Two of football’s most famous and successful sides ever battling it out once more on a super card of football clinics.
The thing is, it’s been done before, and with the state of both teams as of late it might be a little bit predictable. So to raise the stakes, the special guest referee is a certain ‘special one’ himself; Jose Mourinho will officiate the contest and the loser will have to fold the club.
There’s only room for one legend on this card.
Outcome: After a Mr McMahon-like entrance from Mourinho, the fans are treated to an incredible 90 minutes of pure football. Both teams put everything into the game, but Madrid fall down with a lack of rotation options due to playing them all in the pre-show tag team match.
United strike late and score a winner to make it 2-1 in injury time. Mourinho rips off his referee shirt while raising Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s hand to reveal a Chelsea shirt, and hits him with a nasty power bomb. Huge heel turn from the Special One.
The duo of tricky wingers face off in a one v one contest, with the winner being the first to five goals.
The catch – loser shaves their head.
Outcome: Gareth Bale starts well and showcases his supreme footballing talent to take a 2-0 lead. Naturally, however, Bale gets bored of football and Saint-Maximin takes control.
The young Frenchman storms to victory in skilful fashion, and Bale must shave off his trademark long brown locks. He isn’t fussed, he does it and then enquires about the nearest golf course.
It’s always difficult to follow the elongated, slow burning yet legendary matches on a good wrestling show, which is why the structure is so important.
Fans need something refreshing after seeing one of the biggest shocks of the night, thus it’s the perfect opportunity to change the pace with some Argentinian football. And not just any Argentinian football, but another one of the sport’s greatest derbies: Boca vs River Plate.
The cross-town rivals are guaranteed to go all out to get a win over one another, even if they aren’t quite entering the field with weapons like Partizan and Red Star’s ECW-esque brawl.
They will, however, be equipped with an unrelenting amount of flares and smoke bombs, as will the crowd. It’ll be like watching DX with the green glow sticks circa 2006, except a little bit more feisty.
Outcome: In order to avoid a repeat of the Eternal Derby, this is made a lumberjack match.
Forced to play actual football – whatever that is – Boca prevail against their rivals with some illegal tactics, after recruiting Ric Flair as assistant manager before the kick off. He is the dirtiest player in the game, after all…
In an ideal world – one where Vince McMahon actually bought Newcastle amid all the speculation – this match would’ve been perfect.
Unfortunately he didn’t, but it’s a good thing that – like wrestling – this list isn’t real, so we can do what we want. So fantasy booking hats on people.
With Fulham owned by Shahid Khan, his son Tony is a co-owner of the club, who also happens to be the CEO of All Elite Wrestling. With McMahon the CEO of Newcastle, this is the Attitude Era invasion angle we truly deserved.
The stipulation is that Fulham must field at least three current AEW roster members. Because who doesn’t want to see Chris Jericho lock in the walls mid-game and see a giant dinosaur man running around the pitch?
Outcome: The game is a dull, 0-0 affair until the final 15 minutes. Fulham bring on Chris Jericho and Luchasaurus as a wildcard pick, giving them the edge. Luchasaurus takes it upon himself to floor any oncoming attackers, while Jericho holds Jamal Lascelles in the Walls of Jericho.
Fulham go through and score a late winner, all thanks to the efforts of a pretend dinosaur and ‘Le Champion’.
Ladies and gentleman, your main event of the evening is scheduled for one fall…
Two of football’s most exciting and strongest teams as of now going head to head in front of a capacity crowd, for the undisputed football championship. Yes, that is a real title – belt and everything.
The story writes itself; Bayern, the ultimate fans’ club vs. City, the oil rich heel who have cheated their way to the top. It would promise for an incredible game of football, that the neutrals couldn’t take their eyes off.
Think ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin vs. The Rock in 2020. This is it.
Outcome: The game starts slow, with neither team opening up too much. It builds after the first 15 minutes however, when City have a goal ruled out for offside. Bayern then kick it up a notch, but go 1-0 down due to some poor defending.
They concede a second just after half time, but turn on the style on the hour mark, following a rousing pep talk in the drinks break from The Rock.
Yes, The Rock.
They level the game with two quick goals with just 10 minutes to go, and score a last minute winner through ex-City man Leroy Sane to secure an incredible comeback victory.